Plan of Attack

Hello, friends and fellow potty mouths.  I'm back after yet another of my long, unjustified hiatuses.   I'm the laziest fucking blogger alive, kids but at least I'm consistent in my inconsistency.  Right?   

Anyhoo.....I have been strongly encouraged by my love to sit my ass down and write something.  Anything!  Just as long as I'm writing.  So here I am with nothing in particular to tell you, so I'm going to just drudge through some pretty mundane shit.  Try to stay awake, eh?

I stepped on the scale yesterday.  I shouldn't have....but I did.  And do you know what that motherfucker had the NERVE to tell me?  That I was now 274.2 lbs.   Oh yeah....you read that right.   Nearly 275 pounds of  blood, bones, guts, shit and FAT.  100+ pounds of useless, puckered, chunky yellow FAT.  

FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you believe that happy crappy????  Yeah, neither can I but then again, I haven't exactly been taking the greatest of care of my poor, old, over-burdened body.  My workouts have been sporadic and my diet has not improved much.   Much as I would like to blame it on the non-existent willpower and therefore, encouragement from others to indulge and overeat (you know who you are!! ;P), I can't.  This is all on me.  I can't let someone else's food issues and addiction to junk food feed my own or become my own.   It's all on me to make smarter choices and get my fat ass up and moving, at all costs!  Tired, a little sore, busy?  Not acceptable excuses. 

The fact is, my body is starting to break down.  I am 100 lbs heavier than I was back in 1999, before meeting my ex husband.   I was 174  then, and that was after having lost 30 pounds thanks to a Smoking/Anxiety "diet" I went on.  LOL    I felt like a millions bucks then, but I was also in my twenties.   I was curvaceous and thin and I was confident and sassy.   Now....don't get me wrong.  I know women my weight or bigger who are fully confident and rock their bad sassy selves, no problem.   But damn, my body isn't prepared or equipped to carry this weight around and dammit, no matter how hard I try it IS a vanity thing.  A little bit, anyway.   The part of my body I can't seem to accept is my belly.  I'll take the fat, flabby arms and the thighs and the big ole butt.  But my belly hanging out over my belt and eclipsing my boobs AIN'T COOL.   

All that aside, I FEEL like garbage.  I mean.....better than before when I wasn't working out AT ALL.  Still, I have a long way to go.   There is no excuse for blowing up and gaining more weight.   There is no excuse for not working out regularly and being fit.  No excuse for not eating sensibly (smaller portions, healthier choices and limiting - not eliminating - the sweets and junk food) 

By doing this, I will lose weight by default.  Maybe not all of it.  I may never be 174 again.   But anything is better than where I'm at now.  

So - my plan of attack?

64-128 ounces of water a day.  Preferrably infused water (lemon, mint, cuke).

High protein, moderate carbs (and the right kind)

Exercise, exercise, exercise.

I cancelled my gym membership today.  HA!  Why?  Because, kidlets, I'm flat fucking broke, that's why. Remember?  Me no jobby?  Me unemployed forever and ever?  Yeah.  That's why.  D and I are trying to save up to move outta here and while we can't do it while I'm still not working, we can at least begin the process of cutting our expenses and saving what we can.  

INSTEAD, I am working out at home.  It isn't rocket science.  Cardio - any activity that gets your heart rate up and yer sweat goin'.   I walk, in place, using a dvd by a cloying sweet and utterly annoying lady named Leslie Sansone.   She irks the shit outta me, but her walking program works.   You march in place, but you MOVE.  You do knee lifts, kicks, back kicks, side steps (some of these while in a moderate squat position) AND you even get your arms in on the act.  It's legit, peeps.  I broke a sweat doing it today.  

I plan to do this walking bit three days a week, and use the other two for strength training.   Push ups, planks, hand weights, squats, lunges, etc etc.   There is a way to do it without spending money I clearly don't have.  

The other advantage to working out at home is.....I don't have to dress appropriately, I can be in my nastiest, stained tank top and pilled up, worn out sweats and I can fart to my hearts content.  Yes, exercise often makes me gassy or  have to suddenly stop and run for the bathroom.   Here at least I know I won't have to offend someone else's nose or ears and there will be no line for a stall.  :)  

TMI?   Hey dude....you're reading my personal blog.  What did you think you were going to read here?  Movie reviews and recipes?   Pffft.   

Cleaning House

I haven't blogged in ages and even now I struggle with what to write.   Gah....but I made a pact with my darling fiance that I would get on here and write, even if it didn't make sense, even if it didn't get published. 

So here I am.

<<crickets>>

Well now.....let's see...what's been happening in my life?  Well....I'm STILL unemployed! Huh!  Howsabout that,eh?  Three and a half years now of unemployed bliss!  The best part is NOW I am officially divorced so that makes lucky lil me a single, unemployed mother.  YAY!!!!    

(are you sensing the heavy sarcasm here, folks?)

I did have an interview recently but the chances of me getting it are, I'm guessing, rather slim.  I say this not to be all Negative Nelly on you but let's face it.....three and a half years of unemployment kind of speaks volumes about what my chances were, are and will be.  If I don't get it, I'll try very hard not to have a full blown depressive fuckitall meltdown like I usually do when rejected from a job I really wanted.  I can't make any guarantees or promises that I won't, but I can promise that I will try not to.  

I have been working very hard to pull myself out of the bleak, depressive state I have been in for months now.   Months and months and months, to be honest.  Some days are easy, and I can joke, laugh and post funny memes and cat videos just like all the other happy-go-lucky Facebook sheeple.  Sure, why not? 

But then there have been many days where the self pity and self loathing was so thick, you'd suffocate and die before you could cut that shit with a knife.  And I tried to share the wealth of toxic emotion with the poor schmucks of Facebook.  I really did.  Promise.  It was my only lifeline!  For whatever reason, it didn't occur to me to reach out to anyone specific because in the midst of my self pity/loathing my fevered brain didn't think anyone wanted to help me.   All I succeeded in doing was pushing people away.   Most people, anyway.  Not all, thank the Gods.

I'm finding out now that some backed away thinking that giving me space was what I wanted. OMG, SMH, WTF Srsly and please, throw in any other text speak you can think of that is appropriate here.  Space?  Really?   Oh dear sweet Jesus, this is what's become of us now.  <<please understand now that this part is NOT a rant about my friends - it's a blanket statement about society as a whole re: the effect technology has on us and how we interact with people in our lives - please don't get yer back up>> We are all so detached from each other thanks to this time sucking technology that we all have shoved up our asses that the idea of close, intimate contact has become horrifying!  Oh no, I can't deal with her drama today!  Or his!  I have my own!  GAHHH!!!  When did it become OK to distance yourself from a friend who was struggling?  What happened to the days when you reached out and asked them, "Are you OK?" rather than putting space between you and them.   Why is this the acceptable way of dealing with people?  It's just not evident in my own life.  I've seen it happen to other people, too.  

Now look....let me say again; before you go and get your knickers in a twist about what I'm saying, just think about what I'm saying regarding the way we now deal with others as a result of tech, social media, etc.  And while you're at it, if you are getting pissy reading this, assuming I mean YOU, then oughtn't that tell you something?  Hmmm?   It's true for pretty much all of us, at one point or another.   I'm not accusing anyone in my life of anything - it's just how it is.  We have all become so desensitized due to this tech that keeps us connected and yet farther from each other than ever before.  Also, due to the influx and overload of information coming in at lighting speed, all motherfucking day long, we become numb to other people's plights.   The cries for help, or as one (now former) friend put it, "vague Facebook smoke signals" become lost among the scads of political posts, funny cat videos and SomeEcard memes about why mommy drinks so much vodka.  It's a maelstrom of bullshit and most of it means nothing.   It's all just mindless entertainment and a platform for political grandstanding and as such, my cries for help had no place there.  

Of course the argument used against me is "Why didn't you reach out to me?  I would have helped you".  Up front and on the surface, that makes total sense.  Why didn't I?   Well.....probably because at the beginning I thought I could handle it myself.   Or I was afraid to bother anyone with my "drama".   

As time went on, however, I slid deeper and deeper into the hole and before I knew it, enough time had gone by with little contact with my friends that I no longer felt comfortable approaching them.  They were moving on with their lives, leaving me behind <<CHILL - that's how it FELT to me at the time, I know that's not what was actually happening!>> and I didn't feel right disrupting their lives with the trauma and heartache of my own miserable life.  I didn't know that anyone would understand or even be able to help.  And yet, I so desperately wanted someone to at least try.  Therein lies the dilemma....how could they know to try if I didn't tell them?   Well....I had sent out my smoke signals in the form of sad, shitty Facebook posts hadn't I? My woe-is-me posts, caustic memes and broody poetry - they were all there, for my friends, family and acquaintances to see.   Why didn't anyone catch on that I needed help?

Because they either didn't see, couldn't see it or decided it wasn't their place to help.  I can't blame them, I suppose.  I too became a victim of the very technology that also numbed them.   The problem with Facebook is....it removes you from other people's sphere of awareness until you have something specific to say.  If all you say (or post) is negative shit, what do you think people are going to do over time?   Exactly.   Move away.   Hide your posts and hope you lighten up eventually.   Well, I've lightened up kids - fear not.  But - I still have a lot to say on this subject so stick around or run for the hills!  'Tis up to you.  I'm going on, full steam ahead!  Or is it full speed ahead?  Ah....who the fuck cares?  :P

One of the things that spawned from all of this madness was the cleaning out of my Facebook friends list.  Now, in my frenzy I admit I accidentally deleted a fair amount of people that I did not intend to. A few were intentional, but in retrospect I realized I had no beef with them whatsoever.  I am in fact trying to reconnect with lots of people that I respect and miss.  

There was one in particular however that, when she inquired, I unloaded on her.   I tried not to come off as accusatory or judgmental and yes, I admit that my view of things may be skewed.  I even told her that.  I explained that my state of mind lately was dark and bitter and I was as much at fault as anyone.  Initially, she seemed saddened.  She even offered to stay friends if I wanted to.  My response to her was where I explained that my view was likely skewed due to my bad state and that I would like to be friends still but if she didn't want to, I understood.  After all, I had sort of made her bear the brunt.  I figured she'd understand, especially when I explained what I've been going through.

You know how she responded?    With a lot of self-righteous indignation, that's how.  I can't necessarily blame her but she went from "I'm sorry you feel this way, I hope things change" to "the world doesn't revolve around you, I'm so busy being a responsible, productive adult that I didn't have time for your drama and fuck your friend request shit, blah blah" (paraphrasing just a little) and basically ignored everything I'd said to her in my previous message.  She completely glossed over it and gave it not a lick of consideration.   

Gee....it's a good thing I HAVE pulled myself up by my bootstraps or that would have really sent me reeling.  So instead, I did the mature thing.  I fired right back at her and gave her just as much indignant shit!    LOL  Well, come on.....I was pissed.  I'm not saying her anger wasn't justified but I had hoped for a little more consideration and understanding - the sort she'd shown in just one email prior to my response to her!  Bah.   Whatever.  I can't stress over it.  In fact, I made light of my bitchy response to her in a follow up, admitted we were both cunts (not in so many words - in fact, not even close but we were) and then I wished her well.  And then I blocked her.  Cuz that's how I roll.  I'm a cunt.  

I know what you're thinking.  Oh come on, A!!!  You didn't even give her a change to respond!  That wasn't fair, blah blah blah.   And you'd be right.  It wasn't fair at all.  I didn't want to give her a chance to respond.  Why?  Because the damage had been done, and frankly, there was no point in going on with it.  The conversation was over.  Besides she's 7 months pregnant and I didn't want to add any stress to her already uber-busy stressful day. Oh and....I wanted the last word.   LOL

I will address one last thing before I sign this off as a bad, bitchy blog post and publish for no one to see.  

She told me "the world doesn't revolve around you, but I guess that's the problem"  - that's not likely exact, but pretty damn close to what she said.

No, dear one, I don't expect the world to revolve around me.   I never have.  I do admit to being utterly selfish at times, and self absorbed.   However, I am not alone in this.  You, me, your friends, my friends, co-workers, everyone - we are all of us guilty of it at some point in our lives.  At multiple points, in fact.  It's this thing called human nature.   

BUT here's the thing.....when you are drowning in a sea of fear, doubt, self-loathing, sadness and loneliness the ONLY thing you will think about is yourself.   You scream, holler, cry and yes - make vague fucking smoke signal posts on Facebook - in order to get the attention  you need to pull yourself out of the muck....to stop yourself from drowning.  You will make it all about you because at that point in time it IS all about you.  Your world revolves around nothing but saving yourself.   And really, no one should blame you for that.

Maybe you've never been where I've been and while I can say "good for you!" if you haven't, I must pity you that you don't know how it feels.   It's a pity that you don't understand the compassion that even the most selfish of folk absolutely need and deserve from you when they are in that state.  I only hope you never find yourself where I was, and end up wondering why no one understands or answers your smoke signals and then slams you for being selfish when you ask them why.

OK....I've beat this poor horse enough.

Namaste, friends.  Thanks for stopping by.