|It's an ugly sumbitch, ain't it?|
Having children requires a certain amount of patience. Duh. However, I have never been known for mine. Admittedly, I have mellowed some over the years but I am still quick to judge, demand or snap. Not all the time. It depends. (on how much liquor I've consumed). I had hoped, as my son grew in my belly, that I would acquire the necessary patience to raise him right and not turn into one of those high-strung, screechy harpie moms who constantly harangue and holler at their children. I am happy to report that I have not. Not completely, anyway.
Yesterday my teetering patience was greatly tested when my sweet, excited 6 year old son assisted me in making a cake. My birthday cake. From scratch, frosting and all. If ever I had needed a valium and a bottle of Absolut in my life, that was the moment!!! Naturally, he wanted to do everything himself! Imagine his small, unsteady hands trying to level out the flour in the measuring cup. Yeah, I know. Picture that. Like a fucking blizzard in here! Then trying to dump the flour into the mixing bowl. Oh yeah, you got that image too, right? Like a cocaine bust gone bad, powder flying everywhere while the pushers, dealers and addicts go scattering like cockroaches, leaving their precious C-dust behind.
Criminy, I was on a hair trigger!
I love my kid. I would never hurt him. I'd maim, kill, brutalize, destroy and obliterate anyone who even tried to lay a harming hand on my child. Srsly. But I was about 2 seconds from losing my marbles altogether and run screaming from the room throwing flour and sticks of butter at anyone who got in my way.
In the end, the cake turned out....well, edible. Not bad, really. It's crumbly and looks like absolute shit, but it's got a good flavor, just enough moisture in it to keep me from tossing it in the garbage and the frosting is pretty tasty.
The best part?
My kid had a blast.
Btw....I'm hoping to parlay this interest in cooking into a career for him - maybe as the next generations equivalent of Guy Fieri, with his own cool-ass show on Food Network. Yes, I'm planning to live vicariously through my kid and I'm not the least bit ashamed of it. Ha.