Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Half Assed

I have had an epiphany.  Or rather a revelation.  An ugly one, at that.  I suppose on some level I have always known it but it wasn't until recently that I was finally able to admit it to myself.

I am a guilty of half-assery.  My entire life I have done nearly everything half-assed, bare minimum, and dripping with mediocrity.  I've done only what I need to do to get by and very little more.  Minimum effort for equally minimum results.  Rarely have I gone above and beyond unless it was for my own benefit, and even then I was likely to not put my at all into it, thereby shortchanging myself.   This is how I live.  

Fucking ridiculous, isn't it?

Now, some of you reading this - those that know and love me - might be tempted to argue and to cite examples.  While I appreciate that, I ask you not to.   Believe me, I am well aware of my accomplishments and they are few and far in between.  Looking back I could have done SO much more with my life and those few accomplishments I have managed could have been stellar instead of just "pretty good". 

Let me cite my own examples....

High school.   Barely graduated.  I skated by because I was too caught up in boys, clothes, bands and fun.   I was a lazy little bitch.   (now I'm a lazy big bitch).   I had the smarts and the time, I just didn't utilize them.  My teachers even told me they knew I could have done so much better and they hoped I would smarten up and prove them right.   I'm sorry to say I haven't.  College wasn't even on my mind then because I figured I'd end up in L. A. trying to become an actress.  No shit....I really thought that was my calling.

So that leads me to my acting dreams....what did I ever do about it?  Not a blessed thing!   I went on one or two auditions, both of which required me to sing as part of it and I was terrified.  Absolutely terrified.  I managed to squeak out some lines on the first one but was too quiet for anyone further than two feet from me to hear.   That would have made it difficult for the theater goers to hear me, eh?   The second audition, a few years later, I walked out of before they ever even called me.  I was out-gunned and I knew it.   I never went on another audition after that.  I talked a LOT about wanting to act - movies, TV, theater....but never made a move.   Even as recent as a year and a half ago, I read over a script for a production of....oh hell, I can't even remember what it was, but I made excuses not to go. 

Jobs.....every job I've ever had has been done half-assed.  Sure, I was fun to work with and on occasion I'd turn out a good product or finish a task on time and properly.   But I called out sick a lot, and was often easily distracted.   I did a good job overall, and here and there went above and beyond but I could have been better more often.  I could have been a star employee because I HAVE that potential....I just never bothered.   I told myself it was because it wasn't what I was meant to do, that I was unhappy and couldn't muster the energy to make the extra effort.  Bollocks. 

Friends......I don't always give as much as I get.  I try to, but sometimes I retreat into myself and don't pay close enough attention to those around me.  I am guilty of being completely self-absorbed and selfish.   True, if push comes to shove I'd like to think I'd be there if someone really needed me, but I should have been there ALL the time, or at least most of it.  I lose touch with people because I am wrapped up in my own little world.  Sure, it's understandable if I'm working full time, raising a kid and going to school all the while volunteering my time at the local homeless shelter....but I'm not.  Not right now.    Not sure I've ever been in that position so really, was there ever even an excuse?  Nope.

My child.....I'm not the mother I want to be....the mother I should be.   Don't get me wrong.  I love my child with a love that is fathomless, bottomless and all-encompassing.  No one will ever love that child more than I do.   And I tell him constantly, I hug him and smother him with kisses.   But is that enough?   I started off the year volunteering at his school but fell off when my health was sketchy.   I've long since gotten past that issue but haven't gone back.   I'm not sure I play with him enough, or read to him enough.  I feel like I could be doing so much more for him and with him but I fall short because I'm lazy, distracted or stressed.   Is that an excuse?  No.  That child deserves the best!  I have been given this awesome opportunity and responsibility to shape the life of this beautiful little boy and I feel as if I am squandering it.  Don't I owe it to him, as well as to myself to set the best possible example for him?   By BEING the best example?

My health.  Seriously, this one is a no-brainer.  Why do I continue to whine and complain about my weight, my stiff joints and various aches and pains rather than do anything about them?  When I do finally make an attempt, it is a sad one and the moment an opportunity to cease and desist all efforts to better my physical self presents itself, I'm all over like white on rice?

I am being crushed under the weight of the excuses I've used my entire life.  I can't breathe anymore.   I've become the Anti-Amy. I am my own worst advocate and my own Enemy Number #1.  What the FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT???

Why??? I don't understand it.  What is the magic formula?  Is there one?  I can't seem to make a decision to turn things around and stick to it.   I know I'm the only one holding me back, but why do I hold myself back?   Where is the mental block?   How fucking hard can it be for me to do the simplest of things in order to be the best Me I can be? 

- Eat right.
- Exercise regularly.
- Spend more quality time with my son.
- Relentlessly pursue job opportunities
- Be equally relentless about going back to school....apply for grants, scholarships (even if you don't think you have a snowcones chance in a Virginia summer sun of getting one), student loans and REGISTER!
- Reach out to friends and family more, make the connections, repair the connections and KEEP them

I don't need to live a life of extravagence.  I don't need to have a high paying job, or be on the move 24/7.   But the bare minimum ( and I at the very bottom of the barrell when it comes to doing what I should) isn't good enough.

I have enormous potential.  I know I do.  I have always known this.   But I've been wasting it, frittering it away because it seemed easier to just slide by.  Easier, eh?  Umm...I'm realizing now that taking the easy, minimum effort road has only led me to this point.   And this point is this:  I'm overweight, unemployed, unedcuated, prone to falling back into self-destructive behavior to deal with my stress (over-eating and smoking), and losing touch with friends and family.   There is more, but I'd rather not discuss it here.

I've realized I'm not doing anyone else any favors by short changing myself.   I'm 42 years old.  When am I going to cut the shit already?   Isn't it time I grabbed this bitch by the hair (my life), slapped it around a little and made it do what I want?  Isn't NOW the time to ensure the most quality life I can live and thereby ensuring my son gets the best of me, my friends and family get the best of me - fuck, the WORLD gets the best of me?   Maybe I can touch some lives in a small way.  Why not?  I want my son to see me give it my all, even if I never do anything more than go to school, graduate with top marks, get a good job, kick ass at it, turn my health around and be a fitness rock star and enjoy life with a serious gusto.   I want him to live his life to it's fullest, to his greatest will he ever learn if I don't do the same????