Monday, July 28, 2014

Plan of Attack

Hello, friends and fellow potty mouths.  I'm back after yet another of my long, unjustified hiatuses.   I'm the laziest fucking blogger alive, kids but at least I'm consistent in my inconsistency.  Right?   

Anyhoo.....I have been strongly encouraged by my love to sit my ass down and write something.  Anything!  Just as long as I'm writing.  So here I am with nothing in particular to tell you, so I'm going to just drudge through some pretty mundane shit.  Try to stay awake, eh?

I stepped on the scale yesterday.  I shouldn't have....but I did.  And do you know what that motherfucker had the NERVE to tell me?  That I was now 274.2 lbs.   Oh read that right.   Nearly 275 pounds of  blood, bones, guts, shit and FAT.  100+ pounds of useless, puckered, chunky yellow FAT.  


Can you believe that happy crappy????  Yeah, neither can I but then again, I haven't exactly been taking the greatest of care of my poor, old, over-burdened body.  My workouts have been sporadic and my diet has not improved much.   Much as I would like to blame it on the non-existent willpower and therefore, encouragement from others to indulge and overeat (you know who you are!! ;P), I can't.  This is all on me.  I can't let someone else's food issues and addiction to junk food feed my own or become my own.   It's all on me to make smarter choices and get my fat ass up and moving, at all costs!  Tired, a little sore, busy?  Not acceptable excuses. 

The fact is, my body is starting to break down.  I am 100 lbs heavier than I was back in 1999, before meeting my ex husband.   I was 174  then, and that was after having lost 30 pounds thanks to a Smoking/Anxiety "diet" I went on.  LOL    I felt like a millions bucks then, but I was also in my twenties.   I was curvaceous and thin and I was confident and sassy.   Now....don't get me wrong.  I know women my weight or bigger who are fully confident and rock their bad sassy selves, no problem.   But damn, my body isn't prepared or equipped to carry this weight around and dammit, no matter how hard I try it IS a vanity thing.  A little bit, anyway.   The part of my body I can't seem to accept is my belly.  I'll take the fat, flabby arms and the thighs and the big ole butt.  But my belly hanging out over my belt and eclipsing my boobs AIN'T COOL.   

All that aside, I FEEL like garbage.  I mean.....better than before when I wasn't working out AT ALL.  Still, I have a long way to go.   There is no excuse for blowing up and gaining more weight.   There is no excuse for not working out regularly and being fit.  No excuse for not eating sensibly (smaller portions, healthier choices and limiting - not eliminating - the sweets and junk food) 

By doing this, I will lose weight by default.  Maybe not all of it.  I may never be 174 again.   But anything is better than where I'm at now.  

So - my plan of attack?

64-128 ounces of water a day.  Preferrably infused water (lemon, mint, cuke).

High protein, moderate carbs (and the right kind)

Exercise, exercise, exercise.

I cancelled my gym membership today.  HA!  Why?  Because, kidlets, I'm flat fucking broke, that's why. Remember?  Me no jobby?  Me unemployed forever and ever?  Yeah.  That's why.  D and I are trying to save up to move outta here and while we can't do it while I'm still not working, we can at least begin the process of cutting our expenses and saving what we can.  

INSTEAD, I am working out at home.  It isn't rocket science.  Cardio - any activity that gets your heart rate up and yer sweat goin'.   I walk, in place, using a dvd by a cloying sweet and utterly annoying lady named Leslie Sansone.   She irks the shit outta me, but her walking program works.   You march in place, but you MOVE.  You do knee lifts, kicks, back kicks, side steps (some of these while in a moderate squat position) AND you even get your arms in on the act.  It's legit, peeps.  I broke a sweat doing it today.  

I plan to do this walking bit three days a week, and use the other two for strength training.   Push ups, planks, hand weights, squats, lunges, etc etc.   There is a way to do it without spending money I clearly don't have.  

The other advantage to working out at home is.....I don't have to dress appropriately, I can be in my nastiest, stained tank top and pilled up, worn out sweats and I can fart to my hearts content.  Yes, exercise often makes me gassy or  have to suddenly stop and run for the bathroom.   Here at least I know I won't have to offend someone else's nose or ears and there will be no line for a stall.  :)  

TMI?   Hey're reading my personal blog.  What did you think you were going to read here?  Movie reviews and recipes?   Pffft.   

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Cleaning House

I haven't blogged in ages and even now I struggle with what to write.   Gah....but I made a pact with my darling fiance that I would get on here and write, even if it didn't make sense, even if it didn't get published. 

So here I am.


Well now.....let's see...what's been happening in my life?  Well....I'm STILL unemployed! Huh!  Howsabout that,eh?  Three and a half years now of unemployed bliss!  The best part is NOW I am officially divorced so that makes lucky lil me a single, unemployed mother.  YAY!!!!    

(are you sensing the heavy sarcasm here, folks?)

I did have an interview recently but the chances of me getting it are, I'm guessing, rather slim.  I say this not to be all Negative Nelly on you but let's face it.....three and a half years of unemployment kind of speaks volumes about what my chances were, are and will be.  If I don't get it, I'll try very hard not to have a full blown depressive fuckitall meltdown like I usually do when rejected from a job I really wanted.  I can't make any guarantees or promises that I won't, but I can promise that I will try not to.  

I have been working very hard to pull myself out of the bleak, depressive state I have been in for months now.   Months and months and months, to be honest.  Some days are easy, and I can joke, laugh and post funny memes and cat videos just like all the other happy-go-lucky Facebook sheeple.  Sure, why not? 

But then there have been many days where the self pity and self loathing was so thick, you'd suffocate and die before you could cut that shit with a knife.  And I tried to share the wealth of toxic emotion with the poor schmucks of Facebook.  I really did.  Promise.  It was my only lifeline!  For whatever reason, it didn't occur to me to reach out to anyone specific because in the midst of my self pity/loathing my fevered brain didn't think anyone wanted to help me.   All I succeeded in doing was pushing people away.   Most people, anyway.  Not all, thank the Gods.

I'm finding out now that some backed away thinking that giving me space was what I wanted. OMG, SMH, WTF Srsly and please, throw in any other text speak you can think of that is appropriate here.  Space?  Really?   Oh dear sweet Jesus, this is what's become of us now.  <<please understand now that this part is NOT a rant about my friends - it's a blanket statement about society as a whole re: the effect technology has on us and how we interact with people in our lives - please don't get yer back up>> We are all so detached from each other thanks to this time sucking technology that we all have shoved up our asses that the idea of close, intimate contact has become horrifying!  Oh no, I can't deal with her drama today!  Or his!  I have my own!  GAHHH!!!  When did it become OK to distance yourself from a friend who was struggling?  What happened to the days when you reached out and asked them, "Are you OK?" rather than putting space between you and them.   Why is this the acceptable way of dealing with people?  It's just not evident in my own life.  I've seen it happen to other people, too.  

Now look....let me say again; before you go and get your knickers in a twist about what I'm saying, just think about what I'm saying regarding the way we now deal with others as a result of tech, social media, etc.  And while you're at it, if you are getting pissy reading this, assuming I mean YOU, then oughtn't that tell you something?  Hmmm?   It's true for pretty much all of us, at one point or another.   I'm not accusing anyone in my life of anything - it's just how it is.  We have all become so desensitized due to this tech that keeps us connected and yet farther from each other than ever before.  Also, due to the influx and overload of information coming in at lighting speed, all motherfucking day long, we become numb to other people's plights.   The cries for help, or as one (now former) friend put it, "vague Facebook smoke signals" become lost among the scads of political posts, funny cat videos and SomeEcard memes about why mommy drinks so much vodka.  It's a maelstrom of bullshit and most of it means nothing.   It's all just mindless entertainment and a platform for political grandstanding and as such, my cries for help had no place there.  

Of course the argument used against me is "Why didn't you reach out to me?  I would have helped you".  Up front and on the surface, that makes total sense.  Why didn't I?   Well.....probably because at the beginning I thought I could handle it myself.   Or I was afraid to bother anyone with my "drama".   

As time went on, however, I slid deeper and deeper into the hole and before I knew it, enough time had gone by with little contact with my friends that I no longer felt comfortable approaching them.  They were moving on with their lives, leaving me behind <<CHILL - that's how it FELT to me at the time, I know that's not what was actually happening!>> and I didn't feel right disrupting their lives with the trauma and heartache of my own miserable life.  I didn't know that anyone would understand or even be able to help.  And yet, I so desperately wanted someone to at least try.  Therein lies the could they know to try if I didn't tell them?   Well....I had sent out my smoke signals in the form of sad, shitty Facebook posts hadn't I? My woe-is-me posts, caustic memes and broody poetry - they were all there, for my friends, family and acquaintances to see.   Why didn't anyone catch on that I needed help?

Because they either didn't see, couldn't see it or decided it wasn't their place to help.  I can't blame them, I suppose.  I too became a victim of the very technology that also numbed them.   The problem with Facebook removes you from other people's sphere of awareness until you have something specific to say.  If all you say (or post) is negative shit, what do you think people are going to do over time?   Exactly.   Move away.   Hide your posts and hope you lighten up eventually.   Well, I've lightened up kids - fear not.  But - I still have a lot to say on this subject so stick around or run for the hills!  'Tis up to you.  I'm going on, full steam ahead!  Or is it full speed ahead?  Ah....who the fuck cares?  :P

One of the things that spawned from all of this madness was the cleaning out of my Facebook friends list.  Now, in my frenzy I admit I accidentally deleted a fair amount of people that I did not intend to. A few were intentional, but in retrospect I realized I had no beef with them whatsoever.  I am in fact trying to reconnect with lots of people that I respect and miss.  

There was one in particular however that, when she inquired, I unloaded on her.   I tried not to come off as accusatory or judgmental and yes, I admit that my view of things may be skewed.  I even told her that.  I explained that my state of mind lately was dark and bitter and I was as much at fault as anyone.  Initially, she seemed saddened.  She even offered to stay friends if I wanted to.  My response to her was where I explained that my view was likely skewed due to my bad state and that I would like to be friends still but if she didn't want to, I understood.  After all, I had sort of made her bear the brunt.  I figured she'd understand, especially when I explained what I've been going through.

You know how she responded?    With a lot of self-righteous indignation, that's how.  I can't necessarily blame her but she went from "I'm sorry you feel this way, I hope things change" to "the world doesn't revolve around you, I'm so busy being a responsible, productive adult that I didn't have time for your drama and fuck your friend request shit, blah blah" (paraphrasing just a little) and basically ignored everything I'd said to her in my previous message.  She completely glossed over it and gave it not a lick of consideration.'s a good thing I HAVE pulled myself up by my bootstraps or that would have really sent me reeling.  So instead, I did the mature thing.  I fired right back at her and gave her just as much indignant shit!    LOL  Well, come on.....I was pissed.  I'm not saying her anger wasn't justified but I had hoped for a little more consideration and understanding - the sort she'd shown in just one email prior to my response to her!  Bah.   Whatever.  I can't stress over it.  In fact, I made light of my bitchy response to her in a follow up, admitted we were both cunts (not in so many words - in fact, not even close but we were) and then I wished her well.  And then I blocked her.  Cuz that's how I roll.  I'm a cunt.  

I know what you're thinking.  Oh come on, A!!!  You didn't even give her a change to respond!  That wasn't fair, blah blah blah.   And you'd be right.  It wasn't fair at all.  I didn't want to give her a chance to respond.  Why?  Because the damage had been done, and frankly, there was no point in going on with it.  The conversation was over.  Besides she's 7 months pregnant and I didn't want to add any stress to her already uber-busy stressful day. Oh and....I wanted the last word.   LOL

I will address one last thing before I sign this off as a bad, bitchy blog post and publish for no one to see.  

She told me "the world doesn't revolve around you, but I guess that's the problem"  - that's not likely exact, but pretty damn close to what she said.

No, dear one, I don't expect the world to revolve around me.   I never have.  I do admit to being utterly selfish at times, and self absorbed.   However, I am not alone in this.  You, me, your friends, my friends, co-workers, everyone - we are all of us guilty of it at some point in our lives.  At multiple points, in fact.  It's this thing called human nature.   

BUT here's the thing.....when you are drowning in a sea of fear, doubt, self-loathing, sadness and loneliness the ONLY thing you will think about is yourself.   You scream, holler, cry and yes - make vague fucking smoke signal posts on Facebook - in order to get the attention  you need to pull yourself out of the stop yourself from drowning.  You will make it all about you because at that point in time it IS all about you.  Your world revolves around nothing but saving yourself.   And really, no one should blame you for that.

Maybe you've never been where I've been and while I can say "good for you!" if you haven't, I must pity you that you don't know how it feels.   It's a pity that you don't understand the compassion that even the most selfish of folk absolutely need and deserve from you when they are in that state.  I only hope you never find yourself where I was, and end up wondering why no one understands or answers your smoke signals and then slams you for being selfish when you ask them why.

OK....I've beat this poor horse enough.

Namaste, friends.  Thanks for stopping by.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Apocalyptic, Insanely Angry Rant and Cuss Fest


I am so fucking over this job search.  Three and a half motherfucking years of looking for a job.....the ONE TIME I'm offered one - shit, this job was handed to me with minimal effort on my part - that paid more than I even asked for and I TURNED IT DOWN for reasons I cannot even begin to fathom at this point.  G didn't help either - he jumped right in and helped talk me out of it.  WTF?????   CHRIST ALMIGHT!   And now, two years later, I can't get an offer to save my fucking life.

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKING WANT FROM ME?!?!?!?!  (directed at the Universe)


Sweet bleedin Jesus, what the fuck is going on here????   And I swear to God, if ONE PERSON says to me "It's just not your time yet"  "God has a plan" I'm going to tweak out and fuck them up with a verbal lashing the likes of which makes this blog post look like a kindergarten class holiday pageant show.  

What about MY plans????   What about MY needs???  I'm DYING in this house.   I'm atrophying, getting fat and oh by the way I'm BROKE.  Yeah.....and any day now I'll get the paper that tells me I am no longer married so then there goes my health insurance, too.      So I'll be a single, unemployed mother.  Yay fucking me.

 Am I lucky to have Dave?  Of course.  But he shouldn't have to support me.  I WANT/NEED a job!

 Am I fortunate my ex lets me live here (for now) and he's not a raging asshole?  Yes and I'm grateful.  But he doesn't want me here forever and I don't want to be here forever.

I can't get a job doing what I'm qualified to do, what I've spent the last 20 years doing so now what????  A minimum wage shit hours retail job???  Yep....what fucking choice do I have?   My hours will be fucked, my pay will be miniscule and there won't be any benefits and that's IF they hire me.  With my fucking shit luck, they won't want me because I don't have any recent retail experience.  Motherfuckers.

FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Back Off, Bitches

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much the world fucking sucks.    Oh, come on....admit it, sometimes it really does.   There are so many cruel, evil people out there.  Even children can be mean, vicious and rotten.    Thankfully, my child is not one of them.  Yet.

I say "yet" and if you know him, don't freak out.  I don't actually believe he will turn out like that, but I DO worry that the rotten little assholes out there (both children and so-called adults) will change my baby boy's good-hearted enthusiasm, sweetness and lovable nature into something much darker and it scares the shit out of me.  Also, it pisses me off.

I worry that the little shithead who is picking on him now in school is going to get to him, get under his skin and make him start to question his worth.  I worry that other little assholes are going to start in on him, seeing that he is such an easy target because he's too sweet and good-natured to fight back.  Of course, I praise him every day for handling himself like a gentleman and remind him of how truly awesome he is, but still....I pray it's not going in one ear and out the other. case you're wondering...I have counseled him in how to handle himself when one of these kids is picking on him.  I tell him to ignore it.  If they are persistent, to look them up and down as if they are nothing more than an insignificant flea and to either say "whatever" or give the facial expression equivalent and turn away as if he can't be bothered.   He says he did this the other day and the little girl could only respond in kind and she then left him alone.   GOOD.

I hope this tactic works.  I hope he keeps it up, if necessary.  And, if she or anyone else lays a hand on him, I hope he remembers the other advice I gave him.   Walk away - try your best to get away from them.   If a teacher is within earshot, say something but then again, if a teacher is within earshot the physical altercation shouldn't get very far.  Shouldn't, I would hope.  If there is no responsible adult nearby, and you are not being allowed to walk away, haul out and punch that little fucker right in the face.  Give them an almighty shove and once they're on the ground, THEN walk away and go straight to a teacher to tell them what happened.  Chances are, he'll get in trouble anyway because the school system is so completely fucked up these days.   Doesn't matter if he was simply acted in self defense.  Doesn't matter that the teacher failed to do their job and keep an eye on the kids (I know, I know - they don't have enough eyes, they're only human and I agree....but still - if they're going to be unreasonable in this situation, so am I).  They're going to punish him anyway and ya know what?  THAT SUCKS.  

They tell these kids "don't bully"  "bullying is wrong"  "walk away"  "just say no" but do they ever address what to do if you find yourself in a situation I just described above?   No adults in sight or in yelling distance and you're getting the shit kicked out of  you?  What???  Just sit there and TAKE IT?  Be a good boy or girl and lay there while you get your teeth kicked in???   Do they even bother to consider the alternatives?   I don't know - this was never addressed when I was a kid.  If someone was beating on you, you had two choices:  kick the little bastards ass if you could, or lay there and take it.  Or rather, fight back and still get your ass handed to you.  OK, so that's three choices, but anyway.....

Everyone treats kids these days like they're completely stupid and made of glass.   Take the fact that every damn grade has a graduation ceremony now.  For fuck's sake, WHY???  By the time they reach high school, when they should truly be celebrating, it's no big fucking deal because they've been through it twelve times before!  Gee, thanks for ruining THAT major turning point in your kids life.  

Oh and another douchey thing that they do now.....handing out trophies to EVERYONE, even those that didn't win.  OMG, really????   Yes, let's celebrate mediocrity and teach these kids that it's OK to half-ass it, because that's good enough.  Let's ram it into their heads that if you lose, it's OK!  Just try harder, keep working at it!  Instead they're handed a medal or trophy anyway, even when they fuck it up and in turn, they're taught to never strive for improvement.  Notice I didn't say "perfection".  No, of course not - why? Because I'm not a psycho, that's why.  Nobody is perfect, never will be.  But, we can always try to be better than we were before.  Maybe at some point, we might reach a level we cannot get past because we have improved as much as we're going to.  It may not be as good as someone else, and that's OK, too.  As long as you worked at it, tried your best and continue to give it your very best.  Oh, and when it comes to sports and other extra-curricular activities - make sure they love it.  Not you.  Them.  What's the fucking point, otherwise???

This "everyone is a winner" bullshit is just plum stupid.   You can't call everyone a winner, otherwise you completely negate the point of even naming a winner!   You might as well say everyone is a loser.   This PC shit is really annoying.  It's everywhere, like morning-after-chili fart fumes.  Thick,cloying and makes me gag.   *ACK*   <<insert Bill the Cat impression here>>

Oh, look - there it is!  LOL

Wow....I got completely off track, didn't I?  Yep - there's my ADHD or ADD or whatever, hard at work, fucking up my train of thought.  It derails at every fucking station.

Back to my original topic.....

My boy is very sensitive and sweet and loving and empathetic.   I know he's mine and I'm completely biased but I do believe he is special.   He is going to touch a lot of lives in some way.  It may be small and unobtrusive, or it may be in a big way, for all to see.  With his flair for the dramatics, that is entirely possible.  
I see an old soul in him, and someone who could make a lot of people very happy simply by being himself, and I don't want the world to ruin him.  I don't want his light to fade in any way - I want it to shine, brighter and brighter as he grows up!   I want him to hold on to that sweetness and compassion even as he grows and develops a thicker skin.  

I don't want the bullies, the asshats, the douche bags and the evil-doers to get to him, to extinguish that light of his in any way.    I know, I can't protect him forever, but I fear for that light.  I fear for his sweetness and good humor and love for all things helpless and small.

I am mother to an amazing little boy and for that I am profoundly grateful.   It's only natural that I want to protect him.  I am fierce Mama Bear and I will destroy anyone who tries to hurt my baby.   So is it any wonder I don't want this crazy, janked-up world we live in to mess with him???   DUH.  But instead of focusing on the crazy, I will focus on the wonder of it.  The "random acts of kindness" that restore my faith in humanity will be my guiding inspiration and I will bring my little boy's attention to that, and teach him to emulate those acts and take heart, should the world ever try to make him lose it.

I will protect his little body as long as I can, until he becomes a grown-ass man and tells his wackadoodle mother to back off.  But I will always, always, always want to protect his spirit because that is worth more than anything in this whole wide world to me.